I am divine I am delighted I am deprived I am divided I have lived my life divided Divided for her Divided for him Divided for them Yet no one seems to be pleased with me Come see me Come share with me Come love me Damn it! Nobody has asked who I want to be No stranger to solitude No stranger to expectations But a stranger to acceptance Through different phases and faces Will my seat at the table remain? Or will meals be handed through the back door If I don’t amount to everything you wanted and more? You see Mastery awaits at the submit But it is impossible to be here and there All at once I let the months pile up Before holding the ones I love Always something to perfect In the process My relationships have felt the neglect I’d love to split myself in two And send my better half to you All that I do I do it for you I live divided So that you may be delighted
Teresa: When are you coming home? I am asked this question frequently and it weighs on me every time. We all wish we had more time in our hands, more money in our pockets, and maybe even the super power of being in more than one place at the same time. It takes time to be great and build strong relationships, but sometimes it feels like you have to choose between the two. Day after day, I am grasping just how short and fragile life really is. Is it possible to avoid regret? Would I regret not cherishing family and friends enough or would I regret not becoming somebody we’re all proud of? What sacrifices are worth making?
I live about six hours away from my family. I went to visit this past weekend and it made my heart feel so full. I love and miss them very much. I have younger siblings that I want to make a positive impact on, but I fear I will only fade into the backgrounds of their lives. I cannot make it to every game or be there to hold them every time they feel low. With every celebration I miss there is disappointment that I hear in different tones and see in various eyes. I can only hope that they remember my presence rather than clinging to my absence.
There are times where I have to choose myself although I feel selfish for it. If I don’t take the time to build myself up, then I will have nothing to give back. Greatness and love call my name all at once and in certain moments I have to pick one.
Really all that I do, I do it for you. If I spend some time away I can come back and offer deeper love and wisdom. If I self reflect and learn to self manage I can be a guide.
Through different phases and faces
The forth stanza was born through the desire of breaking free from an identity that no longer resonates with me. It is difficult to change when the majority of the people in your life have known you for quite some time. I want to be seen for who I am now rather than who I was.
Am I allowed to wander around? Will my name remain a lovely sound? Will you speak of me highly when I have made myself proud?
With open arms I’d love to be received every time I shed old skin, because change is good. Anything that remains the same isn’t growing the way it should.
Through the challenge of strengthening the relationship with myself, my family and close friends, I have decided that I don’t have room for anyone new. With this mentality, I am not sure if I’m blocking myself from beautiful friendships and experiences. Maybe I’m making the right decision, maybe I’m not. It is fascinating to explore the different worlds that live inside of people but I don’t have the time to stay for long. If only I could split myself in two.
Thank you for reading. Thank you for being here!